5 Steps to Navigate the Modern Family
We live in a time of history where two big, opposing themes are in a crashing collision: our work and home life. Both have demanding responsibilities and needs, yet for most of us they do not happily coalesce. Since the middle of the eighteenth century, people have become increasingly aware of living in an age radically different from any other.
So what do we do as modern parents who both work, but also do not want to screw our children up? We know the implications. We’ve taken the child development classes. We know are littles are precious and deserve the best because what we do now impacts the trajectory of their lives. No pressure, right?
First, we have to admit that operating in certain areas of the high-pressure modern economy might not be so compatible with having a family. Most of us can’t go back in time and “poof” our kids away, nor would we even dream of it. The celibate, single life wasn’t in our cards and we never really wanted it anyways. So the “solution” to not having kids isn’t really a good solution in the first place, nor does it offer any glimmer of hope for those of us that chose a family. But it is important to reconcile that it’s not just you. We all are living in a space that is like no other time, demanding so much of us.
Most of us live in areas where it is crucial for both parents to be working full time to just survive the living costs that knock at our door each month. Rare is it these days for a partner to stay home with our children. We simply cannot put food on our tables or afford the rent costs if we don’t both work.
This was not an issue until the 1930s, where work began to follow us more assiduously. Industrialization, wars demanding women to enter the workforce, economic collapse played parts that changed things fast for humanity. By the early 1990s emails made the cost of communication almost zero and it was extremely fast. 2007 quickly approached and now everything became even more accessible: in our hands while traveling, on night stands, within fingertips at all times. There are now few moments where we are beyond reach. Working can and is consuming our generation and it affects our family life deeply.
“Modern childbearing practices have come to a direct conflict with modern capitalism. At the very moment when we have discovered the importance of competition, anxiety and constant communication, we have also discovered – thanks to psychoanalyst and quite possibly the most influential figure in our modern understanding of childcare and relationships, John Bowlby (1907-1990) – the importance of cuddles, bedtime stories and very patient games on the carpet” (How to Survive the Modern World, pg.110).
We ache because a tender part of us has been awakened with worries. We now know the importance of child development and care in stable, loving homes. Yet at the same time, we have to live in a space that does not allow us to fully live like our forefathers and mothers in order to cultivate thriving little humans. Slow, intentional lives take work. Not only should we allow ourselves sympathy, but it calls us to consider a few things to make our modern families' lives flourish, not crush.
If you find yourself as both working parents, there is hope. Many secular modernists may think otherwise and just blame you for causing humanities destruction by having a child. But that is not me. You may need to sacrifice some things, but what it really calls us to is more intentionality. You don’t have to just go through the motions and then blink as you watch someone else raise your kid into adulthood or be riddled with parent guilt each night because you can’t do it all. Our generation requires a bit more intentionality to make it happen.
Stop now and consider these five things in order to see your family navigate these new waters we call modernity:
1. Create Family Values & Vision
Many families I work with and speak to have never even thought of this as part of something to consider as a family. What are our values? What do we want our kids to develop and foster into? When they are 18 and leave us, what do we want them to be like? How do we do that?! Creating values and vision for your family is critical. Things don’t just happen, but intentional parenting makes it happen. You say no to things that don’t align to your values and miraculous (or intentionally!) you free up even more time in your schedules. Creating these intentional values is key to navigating success for your family.
2. Embrace a Weekly Day of Rest
Rest is important. You work a lot, not just 40 hours a week. But you work on the house keeping, the laundry, the cooking, the scheduling, the garden, the driving to sports and events, making holidays special, fostering your child’s growth, being a good partner, finding connection time and self care…the list goes on and on. It seems overwhelming and at times it is. Countercultural is stopping and taking a full day off to rest. For many, hands begin to tremble at the fear of what taking a day off would even do to schedules! But I am here to tell you, if you do it and do it well, your life will be better.
Rest is engaging emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically in things that give you life. Don’t you think doing that would not only fill your tank up for the next week, but your families tanks too? Think of ways to do this together and create lasting memories on top of embracing health for your mind, body and soul.
3. Gain Relational Support
Community is essential. Some of us don’t have the luxury to live close to family who could easily help out or have family that is safe to do that with. Finding people who can be in your corner is so crucial. Seek it out. You don’t just make a good friend, it requires intentionality and a dose of courage. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness or being a burden.
I love multi-generational living for this aspect as well. Creating and choosing to live in spaces like this can be incredible, it is no shock why many cultures do this. Knowing some of the most impactful, trustworthy people are right next door to help and care for our kids is like weight lifting off your shoulders. Or having friends made in our communities at the kids school, church or sport activities. Having a handful of families that are not just our relatives will have a positive impact on kids' growth, care and love.
4. Unpack the Stigmas, Grief and ‘Shoulds’
It is ok to grieve that you may not have the life you thought it would be. Coaching can help unpack stigmas, the ‘should of’s’ dealt with and guilt or resentment building up inside. You don’t have to live in the let-downs and can live in the life that is best for you and your family. Unpacking these and self-limiting beliefs and walking in empowerment (particularly as a working mom!) is important.
5. Establish a Healthy Routine
Time is our greatest resource. There are certainly ways to take advantage of our free time as a unique opportunity to learn differently, connect with one another on a deeper level and find creative ways to experience the day in ways that align with your family values. Whether that's a daily scripture devotion with our kids each morning, bedtime routines, dinner around the table, or scheduling out spaces to create art with our kids or do something active together. But if you are like me, this doesn’t happen unless it is scheduled in our calendar! Intentionality with routines can mean all the difference even if you only have a few hours in the morning together or time before bed.
No matter if you are a working mom or dad, you can have a great life with your modern family. Learn to live fully, not just in the hustle. Create slow and intentional time with each other. Coaching is an excellent resource to help aid you in figuring out what is best for your unique family living in the modern age. Work-life balance can be a reality. Raising emotionally healthy kids can be your future. A twice a month investment is worth your time and energy. Do it for you—do it for your family.
